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Monday, 26 June 2017

What is a Part time twat?


Cat fact of the day: Himmy, a cat from Australia weighted 21.3 KG at his death in 1986. (He was 10 years old)




Over the past few seasons while this blog has lain dormant, one footballing question has burned more strongly that any other. What is a Part Time Twat? In this blog I will try to address this question and proposes a system as to how we can measure the strength or weakness of ones part time twattishness. 

Firstly how did the phrase come about and when is it used? Well it normally it goes something like this. 

"Hi mate, are you up for Colwyn Bay away Saturday" 

"No mate" 

"Why? Its the biggest game of the season,1st round of the FA Trophy and all that" 

"Errr working mate, and.... My lad had a game oh and the cat is at the vets " 

"You part time twat" 




That's just one example that came to mind over the past few years. There are loads more but I dont have time to write them all down here sadly. Everything from walking dachshunds to going out on all day benders on Boxing day have been offered up as excuses for not attending mighty Imps games over the years. We are all guilty of it from time to time and there are more important things in the world that football so I am told (Yet to be confirmed though I hasten to add)  

So now that we know what it is how do we measure it? After much thought I have devised a system that should find out who is the Retford Imps Caturday crew part time twat champion of the 17/18 season. I think that a points based system would the be best, and the member with the highest amount of points takes the title. Here is a brief run down of the rules. 

1) The PTTL (Part time twat league) will apply only to Lincoln City matches. 
2) Only games that at least 1 Caturday Crew member attends will count. 
3) 1 PTTL point for a home game missed
4) 2 PTTL points for a pre season game missed
5) 5 PTTL points for an away game missed. 
6) 10 PTTL points for any cup game missed home or away*
7) 25 PTTL points if you jib out of driving to an away game in the 48 hours leading up to a game. (without a valid reason) 
8) 50 PTTL points for jibbing out on a jolly boys weekend away after arrangements have been made. Trains and hotel booked etc. 

Of course everybody has the right to an appeal. However for the appeal to be successful you need to convince 50% of the membership of the group that your cause is just. And lets be honest there is more chance of getting a North Korean 15 year hard labor sentence being overturned than that. 


* Cup games include all matches in the FA, League, and Lincolnshire Cups and the Checkatrade Trophy. 

Obviously  a lot of this is tongue in cheek and a bit of fun. Football can be bloody expensive these days. I certainly don't expect much change from £20 quid when gaining admission to League Two stadiums this coming season and nobody is safe in a job in this day and age, but while we are all in employment we can have some fun with this eh chaps?  

UTI









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