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Monday, 26 June 2017

What is a Part time twat?


Cat fact of the day: Himmy, a cat from Australia weighted 21.3 KG at his death in 1986. (He was 10 years old)




Over the past few seasons while this blog has lain dormant, one footballing question has burned more strongly that any other. What is a Part Time Twat? In this blog I will try to address this question and proposes a system as to how we can measure the strength or weakness of ones part time twattishness. 

Firstly how did the phrase come about and when is it used? Well it normally it goes something like this. 

"Hi mate, are you up for Colwyn Bay away Saturday" 

"No mate" 

"Why? Its the biggest game of the season,1st round of the FA Trophy and all that" 

"Errr working mate, and.... My lad had a game oh and the cat is at the vets " 

"You part time twat" 




That's just one example that came to mind over the past few years. There are loads more but I dont have time to write them all down here sadly. Everything from walking dachshunds to going out on all day benders on Boxing day have been offered up as excuses for not attending mighty Imps games over the years. We are all guilty of it from time to time and there are more important things in the world that football so I am told (Yet to be confirmed though I hasten to add)  

So now that we know what it is how do we measure it? After much thought I have devised a system that should find out who is the Retford Imps Caturday crew part time twat champion of the 17/18 season. I think that a points based system would the be best, and the member with the highest amount of points takes the title. Here is a brief run down of the rules. 

1) The PTTL (Part time twat league) will apply only to Lincoln City matches. 
2) Only games that at least 1 Caturday Crew member attends will count. 
3) 1 PTTL point for a home game missed
4) 2 PTTL points for a pre season game missed
5) 5 PTTL points for an away game missed. 
6) 10 PTTL points for any cup game missed home or away*
7) 25 PTTL points if you jib out of driving to an away game in the 48 hours leading up to a game. (without a valid reason) 
8) 50 PTTL points for jibbing out on a jolly boys weekend away after arrangements have been made. Trains and hotel booked etc. 

Of course everybody has the right to an appeal. However for the appeal to be successful you need to convince 50% of the membership of the group that your cause is just. And lets be honest there is more chance of getting a North Korean 15 year hard labor sentence being overturned than that. 


* Cup games include all matches in the FA, League, and Lincolnshire Cups and the Checkatrade Trophy. 

Obviously  a lot of this is tongue in cheek and a bit of fun. Football can be bloody expensive these days. I certainly don't expect much change from £20 quid when gaining admission to League Two stadiums this coming season and nobody is safe in a job in this day and age, but while we are all in employment we can have some fun with this eh chaps?  

UTI









Saturday, 10 June 2017

Pre season plans.

2017/18 season...ships log 001 


Cat fact of the day. A group of cats is called a clowder


Pre season Part one.


Ok. After a while away I am going to try and get this blog back up and running. It wont be every week but I will at least try to do all the away games we do and the odd home game. Following the Imps promotion back to League Two myself, my loyal cabin boy, and my Assistant Rear Admiral (along with nearly 5,000 others) jumped back on the bandwagon  purchased season tickets for the upcoming season at Sincil Bank. These kind of sales have been unheard of in my previous 23 seasons watching the Imps and a measure of the impact that the Cowleys have had at the Imps. How long it will last? I am not sure, but lets just enjoy it while we can. 

As I write this entry all of the Imps pre season games have yet to be announced but we do have a few games to look forward to. Of course not all involve the Imps, as we still like to indulge in a spot of Groundhopping from time to time. The Imps are no longer non-league but that doesn't mean we will cease to watch non league football, for it is like a drug that you can't just give up on. 

July 5th Retford United v Worksop Town 

United had an awful season last time around finishing rock bottom of the pile and suffered relegation. The Tigers of Worksop didn't have a great season either, finishing  in mid-table. As one of our home town clubs it would be great to see United have a better season this time around, but as ever with the badgers it all depends on stability. At the moment this is planned to be my first game of the season so it will be great to get back into the swing of things. 

8th of July Retford FC V Sheffield United XI 

As it stands this is the game I am looking forward to most this pre-season. Retford FC Have a new ground having moved to the famous Rail ground in Retford. A ground that in the good old days of British Rail I was often number 11 in the BRSA second 11 cricket side as a youngster. This is the opening game at the new ground so it will be a great event for the footballing folk of Retford. A lot of work has gone off at the ground this pre-season so I hope they get the crowd their efforts deserve. 

Their opponents are the mighty Sheffield United and whatever side the Blades send down it will be backed with quality. The Blades pissed on League One last year and will be lining up in the Championship alongside the likes of Hull, Sunderland, and Burton next year. They will of course be joined by the sides that messed up in the playoffs last season including that lot from the temple of swine across the good city of Sheffield who lost in the playoffs again last season. Proper bottle jobs eh? 

* At the time of writing this blog memberships at Sheffield United are yet to go on sale* 

July 15th  Gainsborough Trinity v Lincoln City (Lincs Senior Cup 1st round) 

A huge game. The Lincolnshire cup is the reason that the Imps exist (having been formed back in 1884 with the aim of creating a team that could compete and win the famous old competition) The Imps have won the cup on 38 occasions and each one is a cause for huge celebration in the City. Given the magnitude of this match any of my ship's company missing this game will be awarded with 5 part time twat points. (more on the part time twat league on a later blog) Trinity had a poor season last time around so here's hoping to a better time this season. (After this all important cup tie of course) 

Gainsborough is always a nice away day, Great snap and a chance to go back in time in the Blues' club before the match. Train service is always easy as well for pre-game drinks. How does the 9.25 from Retford sound chaps? 

The Imps have announced home games v Oxford and Walsall  but more on them later. More preseason trips to random games will be announced soon as soon as Rear Admiral Oxby confirms them. 

Over and out 

For more news on our adventures follow me on Twitter @ferretimp